IF RELIGIONS MADE BRAS

Here are the Religious Bras I thought up (with a few contributions by others) after Nicole sent me the joke that is all over the internet about the guy who is bra shopping for his wife. He is mystified by the huge assortment but a saleslady explains that ther are only four basic types: The Catholic bra. It supports the masses. The Salvation Army one lifts the fallen. The Presbyterian keeps them staunch and upright while the Baptist one makes mountains out of molehills.

I’ve added some new ones from time to time since the first list in September 2008. I’ve noticed a few sites with my lists copied and pasted. This, however, is the original and OFFICIAL site of it.

DR. JIM’S NEWLY THUNKED UP BRAS

Durga Delight Shakti Shocker!

Gain complete control of your Shiva’s naughty Nandi with this beautiful bra that will take all eyes off even the worst hairdo!

 

Duggar “Deluxe Super Jerusalem Udder Access System with Maxi-Mammal Nozzle Augmentation Technology.” For Michelle Duggar, Mother of 17. See the full explanation here.

Moonie “Loonie Union” One bra fits all: thousands of cups.

Christian “Apologetic Cross your Pure Heart” Comes with a T-Shirt that says “Sorry they are so noticeable”.

Rastafarian “Rasta Reggeamound Vibrations” Not so much underwired as just plain wired, with a handy, strategically placed spliff stash.

Voodoo “Mojo Magic- Super doll inflate-a-bra” Gives the wearer a great shape, but don’t stick voodoo pins in it.

Jehovah’s Witness “Two by Two Witness Wonder”. Only 144,000 made, get one of these and you too will want to go door to door to bless the world with your watched towers.

DR. JIM’S ORIGINAL LIST

Official Iranian Government “Presidential Pleasure” Bra: Unlike your country, there are no bosoms in Iran; we don’t have any.

Zoroastrian ”Dynamic Dual” The white side is designed for maximum uplift and the black side is not.

Hare Krishna “Midnight Mantra” In beautiful saffron coloured material, our masterpiece channels a special “airport uplift” energy for true bosom consciousness.

Zen Buddhist “Enigma” If a bosom should fall in our bra, is there any refund?

Roman Catholic “Holy Mother Imaculate Contraption” Stain resistant, for nursing women, our new high tech miracle will hold ‘em till you need ‘em.

Christian Literalist “Intelligently Designed Divine Image Science Bra”. Our most high-tech line reconciles pure science, human biology, and true faith. It takes the bra to a new level of complete practicality, comfort and ergonomic efficiency and is based on BIBLICAL principles! With three cups, our bra is unashamedly trinitarian in a world that has sold its soul to “if it feels good, wear it” godlessness!

Orthodox Jewish “Red Sea Bra” Excellent lift and separation for 6 days, but of course, no lifting or separating on the Sabbath.

Reform Jewish “Red Sea Freedom Bra”. Excellent lift and separation all week long.

Conservative Jewish “Red Sea Consensus Bra” Excellent lift and separation for 6 days, but only if there is a general agreement that it is necessary.

Orthodox Jewish “Talmud Teaser” Rabbi Joshua said, “It is written, ‘Do two walk together without them having met?’ so bras should hold the bosom together.” Rabbi Judah said, “The Holy One-blessed by He-separated the waters to reveal the dry land when He created the universe.” Rabbi Hannaniah said in the name of Rabbi Nehemiah, “He separated the waters of the Sea and then divided the River Jordan, piling the waters up on the right and the left to let the Sons of Israel make their way to the promised land, a land ‘flowing with milk and honey’, and so bras should lift and separate and give room for the discovery of honey.” The sages said, “It is written, ‘My tongue cleaves to the roof of my mouth’ and therefore cleavage is a good thing,” but Rabbi Baruchiah said, “Is the cleaving of the tongue to the roof of the mouth the same as a bosom’s cleaving? One is from a dry mouth and the other makes the mouth water.” Hillel said, “Women are free from the commandment of binding on Teffilin, so should they not be required to bind their bosoms”. Shammai said, “I’m more of a leg-man myself” but Rabbi Herschel said… (goes on for 5 more pages with a long digression into the question of how big a “cup” can be before it is a “basin”).

Fundamentalist Christian “Original Sin Bra” “The Fall” came when Eve ate the apple and so there isn’t anything to be done about it since bosoms are evil, evil, wicked, satanic, vile, and against biblical family values, but our bra is richly padded and embroidered with biblical passages to make you look more upright and smug and yet pleasing to the eyes of the men God has sent to bless your life.

Pentecostal Televangelist “Miracle Lift Faith Bra” Don’t let the Devil drag you down! Sew a Seed of Faith of only $1000 by ordering our Miracle Lift Faith Bra, and you will reap a harvest! Don’t forget the parable of the Faithful Wife in the Book of Egomaniciah who sewed only ONE seed and reaped a great harvest of produce and brought great joy to her poor husband! Yes, your own $1000 Faith Seed will grow as you wear our Miracle Lift Faith Bra–sent to you free of charge out of Christian Love– and you too will be lifted up in the Spirit, and your husband will enjoy a harvest of melons!

Mormon “Nights on Zion” An exact copy of the bra Joseph Smith used to wear on Saturday nights.

Fundamentalist Mormon “Easy-Sorting Polyg-rasier” One size fits every woman in the house, so there’s no point to wondering which is whose!

Fundamentalist Islamic “Discrete Desires Bra” Full support head to toe, to give you that appealing lack of feminine shape.

Hindu “Devi Deluxe” Realize your personal goddess; with as many complementary shoulder straps as you think you have arms.

Buddhist “Not Quite Nirvana” Accentuates natural sag, deflation and impermanence.

Hutterite “Bra” Only in black, and handmade of the finest economy-grade canvas. Available at Canadian Tire stores from coast to coast.

Scientology “Spiritual Technology Bra” Available only to the initiated for the low price of $50,000. Athletic-level of support and comfort even when jumping up and down on couches like an idiot. It comes with various books, pamphlets, built in flashing lights, a whistle, and a small propeller on each cup. Great support for the AUTHORIZED wearer from our legal team.

Confucian “Mandate of Heaven Bra” The Master said, “Heaven smiles upon the emperor who justly governs and supports the people so that they are not even aware that they are being ruled. So too, do men smile when they see the bosom that is naturally governed by our invisible underwire and seamless technology.”

Taoist “Wooo-weeee!” The bosom that can be tamed is not a real bosom.

SHUFFLER COMMENT BRAS

This section is for better exposure (grin) of the bras suggested in the comments below (very slightly edited).

Mennonite Bra. Designed to keep the world from knowing a woman has any need for a bra under the plain dress designed, as much as possible, to look as though a woman doesn’t have breasts. (from Mary A. Kaufman).

SOME EXTRA INTERNET BRAS

I have noted that some folks have copied the bra list above on other sites and have added a few of their own. I will post some of my favourites here. (If you are going to copy the stuff above, please give me a link!).

Talk Origins. From the google group, I found these: (Click Here, for the T.O. thread)

ID Bra 1 One size fits all creationists. (from Frank J.)

2 It supports nothing, but does a pretty good job of covering it up. (from Jim Lovejoy)

3 It provides no support and comes in two sizes: myth and misses! (from Homer Sapiens).

Actually you can order it but it falls apart on examination (Walter Bushell)

Shaker and Quaker Bra (California model) would prevent embarrassing movement of the breasts during all earthquakes. (from Harold Saxon)