The slippery drunken rhetoric of the Miracle (hiccup) Channel. Another watch TV and type train of consciousness post.

Ok, I just got off the phone with Tim from Miracle Channel Review, popped open a cider and turned on the Miracle Channel’s immensely stupid but successful “Fresh Oil” money raising campaign. And I’m watching and typing, just like I did the other evening.

Holy Jebus B. Gobley™ Money Grubber Man! Tim told no fibs! They really were talking about “Drunken Warriors” serving the Lord!

 Now get this, Miracle Channel glamour boy, Faisal, was on about the First Nations folk who he says (correctly) have had a lot of trouble with alchol abuse, a result the disenfranchisement of these people. Then he goes on about hwo they are recovering their traditions and that this is a good thing and that God is helping… WHAT? THEIR god is helping them recover their pre-Christian ways?!? Then what is worse, Faisal says he WANTS THE NATIVES TO BECOME “DRUNKEN WARRIORS”!!!!!!! HOLY FUCKING SHIT! Talk about not winning the sensitivity prize!!

OK, Al Derry is now rambling on about how many “Drunken Warriors” (it costs $837) are phoning in pledges from the Maritimes. Where the fuck do they get these gullible people from?

Faisal is saying Drunken Warrior means “being intoxicated with love”, and “no arrow can harm you” blithering on about NT passages, again literalizing the metaphorical. Al Derry is feeling “prophetically” that some business will get “more than enough” cash. He feels like he is speaking to someone now (but who?). So now Christian “victory” is being equated with getting out of debt. Al wants someone’s company to become drunken warriors.  BUT CERTAINLY NOT A CAB COMPANY!!!!!! Please Al, don’t mean a cab company!

Why can’t they hire singers who can sing?  Anyway, Tim at M. C. Review is a great guy, deeply concerned with reigning in the Miracle Channel for their abuse of Canadian tax and charity laws, not to mention broadcasting regulations and getting justice for those taken in by televangelists and their ilk.

He would really like to start a consumer advocacy group for such people. A nobel cause, and I fully support it! His site has a lot of information on the laws and so forth. Oh, oh, oh,… Now Faisal is “releasing honour” over some Ontario guy’s wife. He just gave just over 700 bucks as an “honor” gift for his sweety. How touching, but how the fuck do you “release honour”??? The real trick to having a usable vocabulary is to not only know a lot of words but TO KNOW WHAT THE HELL THEY MEAN!!!! Jeez.  Crap, if the guy loves his wife and treats her accordingly, what the fuck is Faisal doing “releasing honour” but claiming to have some god-given power that makes him the star of another’s couple’s happiness.

Now they were talking about the TransCanada Pipeline and in the same breath “Praise God” they turn it into flowing divine love… “greasy greasy greasy” says Dr. Jim.

Now, back to drunken warrior love. When real drunken warriors want some “love”, don’t they mean “rape”? What kind of metaphor is this for a church supposedly founded on “Blessed are the Meek”?

Ok, they are “pouring out new wine”. I need another cider.

So, now some of the drunken warriors are wild oxes (yup, oxes, not oxen) and the wild oxes are drunken warriors. BUT WHO THE FUCK ARE THE BAGLE BOILERS?? Surely they must have bagle boilers?

Ok, that crappy band is playing again and I must get another drink…

Greasing the Collection Plate on the Miracle Channel

I was just watching the Miracle Channel and their “Fresh Oil” Fundraising campaign (see my previous post) and I must say I am impressed. The bullshit is flying fast and furious!

Around 6:00 this evening some of speakers were chewing the fat about God and such. One of the guys, Karl Lewis, was going rather hyper “prophesying” and quoting snatches of biblical passages (e.g., from the prophet Joel). He played the old trick of declaring that there was some lady watching who was in a wheelchair. Of course, he doesn’t know her name! but he all but orders her to stand up. Of course, the healthy viewer doesn’t know how many disabled folk tried standing up and fell flat on their faces! What is worse, the other guy, Al Derry, then chimes in, spewing standard cliches, and then declares that this woman is “GLUED” to her T.V. and then says he is–I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP–gonna do something “prophetic”: HE STANDS UP!!! He fricking prophetifucking stands up. WOW! If he can do it, so can she!

Now they have some lady singing some tune, “Let the Redeemed of the Lord say so”, which sounds like it would be a good tune if done by a proper southern gospel band. Too bad she can’t sing to save her life. Well, the song is over now some guy is not singing even worse. AHHHHRGGGGH! Time to fetch dinner!

Holy Fuck, these guys are nuts!

If you send them $1200, however, they will send you 2 ounces of “Abba Anointing Oil”.

Now some fuck is talking about the anointing of the Wild Ox????

Faisal Malick now says “God is still talking to Wild Oxen”. So, he wants you to send in $921.00 (Cdn) and to say you want to be a Wild Ox.

Here is what their site says about donations:

All contributions will be used for the charitable purpose of religion, specifically, spreading the gospel of Jesus Christ.

The Association estimates that it will receive charitable contributions in the amount of $120,000 per year from solicitations made through this web site. The estimated cost that was incurred in making the solicitation and in activities directly related to making the solicitation are $12,000 per year.

Now Faisal is saying people will overflow with “fresh oil” that will be given to more Wild Ox. Fuck. I knew this was cattle country, but this is getting ridiculous!

 What strikes me is how often these people speak in long drawn out and over done interconnected metaphors and the speakers seem to lose sight of the subject and they (Faisal is yelling now about the $921 ox being set free from his stall) can’t tell when they are speaking in metaphors or using literal descriptions of the world. I reckon if you can’t tell the difference between your own metaphorical  and plain speach, you are certified, Grade A, loonie tunes.

Faisal now sees the $921 ox and the $296? (one off, or per month) new ox. Now, discouraged people are the locked up ox. Jeepers, it’s hard to type and watch TV at the same time. “Horns” are now being exhalted as people are being anointed like wild ox. Back to the band.

Shit, that guy who can’t sing is singing again.

More later…

Fresh Oil Miracle Channel Fundraising Campaign. Rhetorical polish on a greasy collection plate.

Lethbridge’s own prosperity gospel proliferating T.V. station, the Miracle Channel is looking forward to reaping a harvest in their first big faith sowing campain of 2008, the Fresh Oil & New Wine campaign. Of course, this is in addition to all the fundraising done by the shows the station airs, including a number of those under investigation by Senator Grassley in the U.S. I’ve made some previous posts about this (e.g. Here). The Miracle channel hosts the shows of Benny Hinn, Creflo Dollar and some of the other infamous six. Here is what M.C. says about thier own bid for more cash.

It’s a brand new year and a great time to be anointed with Fresh Oil and refreshed with the New Wine of the Holy Spirit. Tune into the Miracle Channel during this upcoming special Partner Week called Fresh Oil and New Wine, January 28 - February 2, 2008 and start 2008 off with a fresh anointing of the Holy Spirit upon your life. …

If you plan to be in the Southern Alberta area, please come down to the Miracle Channel studios and be part of our live studio audience at 4:00 PM each night. For more information call (403) 380-3399, fax (403) 380-3322, or email us at mail@miraclechannel.ca

 Well, there you have it. You are invited.

There will no really “big” names attending, although they will be bringing up some folk from the U.S., including Fred & Val Bennett and Danny Diaz. An almost local speaker has the biggest claims about him in the blurbs.

 Al Derry comes from the Dream Centre in Medicine Hat, Alberta and brings with him great enthusiasm for the things of God. His prophetic giftings will inspire you as he speaks words of knowledge into people’s lives. [Medicine Hat is about an hour and a half drive's away from Lethbridge]

WOW!!! “Prophetic giftings”! … Excuse me but what the @#*!!@#% is a “gifting”???? This is another one for my jargon file!  (I’ve already commented on anointing and fresh oil there). What the hell is wrong with claiming the guy has a “prophetic gift”? Well,  he probably hasn’t got that, either, but at least it doesn’t offend the ear. As far as ears go, why doesn’t he speak his words of knowledge to people? How the heck does someone speak knowledge ”into people’s lives”? Makes him sound like his preaching is some sort of channel for some sort of divine energy. Oh yeah, that is what is being claimed. My bet is that he doesn’t say anything the frequent churchgoer hasn’t heard a hundred times. One thing I have discovered is that there is often a very blurry line in much religious rhetoric between literal meanings of words and metaphoric and figurative meanings. It works like this: a common occurrence is described in ambiguous language that portrays it as a supernatural event. The rhtoric comes so frequently an dthe ambuity often so intractable, however, that many listeners or readers fail to distinguish between the ‘real world’ event or situation being described and the ’supernatual’ reality being alluded to. In fact, in many cases, the conversation moves so rapidly and so often between the mundane and the extraordinary that the audience really loses track of just what is being discussed. Our writer at the Miracle channel is playing the grey area for all it is worth.

Earlier in the advert, we read this:

As we celebrate this new season, let us discern prophetically what God is saying for 2008. We are praying Joel 2:19-24 over you: The LORD will answer and say to His people, “Behold, I will send you grain and new wine and oil, And you will be satisfied by them; I will no longer make you a reproach among the nations…the threshing floors shall be full of wheat, And the vats shall overflow with new wine and oil.”

Ok, the biblical book of Joel does say what the Miracle Channel says it says. But how does reciting it back to God constitute “prophetically discerning” what God wants to say to the website’s audience? If someone asked God (on the assumption that he is there to answer requests) what he wanted to say to (as opposed to through) the Miracle Channel perhaps he would advise them to ignore Joel and read the Gospel of Matthew and then look in a mirror. Here are a few selections that come to mind:

Matthew 6:5 “And when you pray, you are not to be as the hypocrites; for they love to stand and pray in the synagogues and on the street corners, in order to be seen by men. Truly I say to you, they have their reward in full.

Matthew 13:22 “And the one on whom seed was sown among the thorns, this is the man who hears the word, and the worry of the world, and the deceitfulness of riches choke the word, and it becomes unfruitful.

Matthew 23:14 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites, because you devour widows’ houses, even while for a pretense you make long prayers; therefore you shall receive greater condemnation.

Matthew 23:23 “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you tithe mint and dill and cummin, and have neglected the weightier provisions of the law: justice and mercy and faithfulness; but these are the things you should have done without neglecting the others.

The book of Matthew seems to have the largest number of uses of the word “hypocrites” in the Christian Bible (the verses above are taken from the New American Standard translation). It is interesting that a lot of these uses are in the context of chastising “scribes”. The fundamentalist rhetoricians and authors whose countless books are pedaled on every televangelist’s program seem to me to be the a valid modern equivalent of those who Jesus is remembered as criticizing. Scribes;scribbling and wittering away about “scripture” and interpreting it to suit themselves.

The Pharisees are castigated in the New Testament for their alleged strict attitude toward Jewish law, including the refusal to heal on a Sabbath. Jewish law, often derived from the teachings of the Pharisees, however, encourages the breaking of Sabbath law to save a life. The Pharisees are known for being the ancestors of “oral torah” the creative interpretations of Torah originally transmitted orally and then collected and greatly expanded in the Mishnah and Talmud.

The Pharisees really get bad press by the Christians scribes in the New Testament. This may be because key elements in Pharisaic theology were so similar to important Christian ideas: beliefs in the eternal soul, judgment and resurrection, and divine control of history while allowing for free will. If the NT writers could call the pharisaic movement a study in hypocrisy, one wonders what they would call the chief practicioners of the prosperity gospel and the fundamentalists who churn out new revelations, detect “shifts in the heavenlies“ and plead with people to give more and more, week after week, while glorying in the chance to claim humility in front of a TV audience.

Annoying Fundamediaist Christian Jargon. Part 2 “Anointed”

Here is the second installment of my occassional series on the jargon bantered around by the fundamentalist media, and this one is dripping with the oil of a well lubricated shibboleth that really has a slippery meaning. (Part 1 “Shift in the Heavenlies”, is here).

Anointed Wikipedia’s definition seems useful enough:

To anoint is to grease with perfumed oil, milk, water, melted butter or other substances, a process employed ritually by many religions and races. People and things are anointed to symbolize the introduction of a sacramental or divine influence, a holy emanation, spirit or power. It can also be seen as a spiritual mode of ridding persons and things of dangerous influences and diseases, especially of the demons (Persian drug, Greek κηρες, Armenian dev) which are believed to be or cause those diseases.

In the Bible, people are anointed with oil to mark their elevation to a new, and religiously significant status, e.g., king, or priest. Most famously, Jesus is the “Anointed” (or Christ) of God.

Luke 4:18-19 reads “The Spirit of the LORD is upon Me, Because He has anointed Me to preach the gospel to the poor; He has sent Me to heal the brokenhearted, to proclaim liberty to the captives and recovery of sight to the blind, to set at liberty those who are oppressed; to proclaim the acceptable year of the LORD.”

Many Christian churches anoint its members from time to time. These include the “chrismation” of members just after baptism in the Orthodox church (this means the rite is most often performed on infants). In Orthodoxy and Catholicism, anointing rites are part of healing rituals.

In pentacostalism and some other protestant churches, anointing also refers to the outpouring of divine power or a commission to some individual or organization of the church.

Fair enough, but one wonders if God is pouring out more hydrocarbons than than Saudi Arabia. As in this, from a Florida church:

Pastor Stephen and Yvette have an Apostolic/Evangelical anointing on their lives that has
brought healing, deliverance and salvation to the Body of Christ.
It is their desire to continue to bring an anointed word, through the preaching and practical teaching that would Restore, Rebuild and Release God’s presence in your life. (emphasis added)

They are anointed, the “word” is anointed. I wonder if anyone has slipped in anointed puddles in their church. Hey, the “anointing just flows”! All over the place. Here is an example from Singapore:

Hey church, it’s not works. It comes from a natural overflow of knowing God’s goodness and wonders in your life, and God’s anointing just flows in you, through you, of you from the Holy Spirit that is inside you.

It can reach pretty silly proportions, as in this well known video excerpt from a TV show making fun of silly Christian commentators by showing strategically chosen clips. About a quarter of the way through, the most convoluted and stupid exegesis of Hebrew term dabar (word/thing), “the anointing flows…” “Anointing” becomes highly metaphorized, as in this site:

it is our prayer that God will anoint you with fresh oil and His precious Spirit illuminate the Word as you go though this website. May He empower you to effectively communicate to others the vibrant hope that He has given you to persevere the struggles that you have overcome and continue to overcome. it is our prayer that God will anoint you with fresh oil and His precious Spirit illuminate the Word as you go though this website. (emphasis added)

Ah yes, “Fresh Oil” None of that stale crap.

You heard it right if we get angry with people or we get offended with people, or we talk about people we are not led by the spirit. I believe what is missing from our churches is people having fresh oil when they come to the house of God. The Bible says we should be overflowing with the spirit of God. Being filled with the spirit does not mean that your speak a tongue that no one knows, it does not mean you get a second blessing, it does not mean that you now have the gift of healing. The whole reason for having fresh oil is so others trust Christ as Savior. (emphasis added).

If you want some, you can get it here. Yes, the “Saints of Fresh Oil” will sell you consecrated olive oil enfused with various herbs and spices bottled in fancy flacons for diverse scriptual purposes.

Very many charismatic and pentecostal preachers claim to be anointed.

E.g., Rickie G. Rush describes himself as an anointed “man” with an anointed “mission” and minstry”. As an “anointed author”:

God has anointed Pastor Rush with the vision to reach the masses on many levels: in person, by radio, and by television. He has now taken the ministry to yet another media: the printed word. In January, 2005, Pastor Rickie G. Rush published his first book, “May I Have Your Order, Please?” It is a step-by-step guide to getting what you want from GOD. Purchase yours today! “May I Have Your Order, Please?”, not just another book, it’s a Life Manual!

Apparently, every pastor should be anointed. It make sure yours is, Barbara Billett here in Lethbridge offers a prayer to that effect. It is basically a prayer that affirms that one’s pastor (just insert his/her name in the blanks) has all the qualities needed for the job.

I confess that no weapon that is formed against Pastor _____ and his marriage and family shall prosper and that every tongue that rises up against them in judgment shall be shown to be in the wrong. Thank you Lord for contending with that which contends against Pastor _____ and his family. When the enemy comes one way, he has to flee seven ways from Pastor _____ and his family, in Jesus’ name.

Ah yes, tell God that your pastor is beyond criticism! Pastors are anointed, they cannot be challenged by man or demon. Fittingly, the prayer does not include a hope that God would punish those pastors who abuse their position!

I found this interesting blog post by an ex-Pentecostal (and that is what the whole blog is about) turned Lutheran who seems rather bitter about his previous denominational choice. He, too, comments on the social control that is implicit in the notion of ‘anointing’.

Triggers of Alternate Personalities (Anointing) –(scroll down to the second post)

Let us illustrate how someone can be speaking normally and rationally to a Pentecostal, and then suddenly, the personality changes and they are in Robot Mode, spouting off strange sayings and making strange gestures that will sometimes frighten us or anger us. Imagine that you are talking about food and recipes to a loved one. You can be having fun talking about making coffee, tea, or your favorite dish. Then suddenly, you might slip and say that fine wine can go with the cheese or the chicken. If they are tee totaling Oneness Pentecostals, they might pause for a second. Their faces will change and their demeanor will change, and they might launch into an attack about alcohol opening your body up to demonic attack. They usually will begin ranting about their doctrines against alcohol. You have inadvertently TRIGGERED them from their Authentic Self into their Robot Self. You cannot reason with the Robot Self. Try to bring them off of this altered state by silence or changing the subject.

Sometimes Pentecostals will think of the Robot Mode as the “anointing” coming upon them where the “spirit of God” takes control and they preach to you about wickedness. Remember that this is not God’s anointing; this is a programmed response to religious conditioning.

Anointing is richly meaningful ritual in many Christian churches. In many Protestant churches it is a significant theological concept. In some, however, throwing the word around becomes a shibboleth, a term used to signify belonging. Control of its use is not egalitarian, however. There is a hierarchy involved, and for those with the power, the term is used as little more than a ploy for maintaining status and power. They use the concept to induce an emotional response, a heightened spirituality, and then claim a special status for particular church leaders whose own “anointing” seems to be ever replenished and of a higher order than the masses. The ones who control how and of whom the term “anointed” is used are beyond criticism.

Martin Luther once argued that the Roman Church strayed from the truth in establishing two classes of Christian: the regular believer, and the clergy who were of a special status who were necessary for the Church’s sacraments and hence indispensable for the working of Christian salvation. Luther severely criticized this and the status and power that went with it. While Protestants do not have the hierarchy of the Roman church, some denominations have their own special class of Christian who claim a special ‘anointing’, making them untouchable. They control the “fresh oil” poured on their flock. Martin Luther just might be rolling over in his grave.

Annoying Fundamediaist Christian Jargon. Part 1

Every interest group, academic discipline, political movement, etc. has its own jargon and technical terms. Terms like salvation, faith, trinity, baptism, etc. are central terms to the Christian religion and label key concepts in that religion’s theology and understanding of the human condition. There are other terms and expressions bandied about freely on fundamenalist and charismatic Christian media outlets that seem to be without clear theological meaning or content. Others are so  overused that they function more like shibboleths, characteristic phrases signifying belonging to a specific group, in this case, the sub-culture created by the  branch of commercial, mass media, charismatic Christianity, i.e. “fundamediaist”.

I will add to this list as I have time, but I will open up the discussion with one that really gets to me.
“Shift in the Heavenlies” So, what is a “heavenly”, and just what in a collective of them shifts?   Anyway, when it happens, it seems to be something good. To wit: “As the Illinois Strategic Prayer Network is rising up over the entire state, there is awareness throughout the intercessors’ leadership that there is already coming a shift in the heavenlies that is manifesting in many areas” (From here).

Now, these shifts seem to require some kind of elbowing or other form of assertive means of forcing one’s way through a crowd: “Baldwin said enthusiastically, ‘There’s something happening. There’s a shift in the heavenlies. I believe we’re moving angels and demons right now’” (from here). OK, so an angel or a demon may be a “heavenly”. But how does prayer “move” them? Presumably prayer shifts the angels and demons in different directions. Should one therefore not speak of “shifts”? Could this movement be explained in terms of the physical law that says “for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction”? Therefore, one could move an angel in one direction by pushing him/her/it with one arm and pushing a demon/demoness/demon-it in the opposite direction with the other arm leaving the shifter-person with a bit of breathing room in the middle.

On the other hand, the shift(s) can be for the worse. “If we do not fast and pray the shift in the heavenlies would be for evil, a very great darkness. Islam would rise” (from here). Well, I can see how that would shift their noses right out of sorts, but “heavenlies”? Oh, yeah, these people think Islam is Satanism. Anyway, shifts can and will take place without specific actions. Eek! Gotta get praying!

Shifting heavenlies seems to be a frequent claim among those who like to claim some kind of prophetic gift, or that biblical prophecy is coming true before their very eyes. Note this blatant “prosperity gospel” propaganda from several years ago:

At our International Gathering of Apostles and Prophets last October (2000), the Lord spoke through Prophet Chuck Pierce:

“Nine months of testing will no be upon My prophets, saith the Lord. Do not despise this testing, for this testing will produce an enlargement. These nine months of testing will not only create enlargement, but it will bring to birth that which I want to present to this world for the future…….As the birth comes in mid-July to the end of July, you will begin to be sent forth as reformers of lands, saith the Lord.”

  • At the Watchman Intercessors Prophetic conference April 25-27, God led us to declare a SHIFT in the heavenlies for the Body of Christ. This marked the end of a period of divine frustration —- where God was allowing many to become dissatisfied with their present situation so they would press forward. Now that July has come, the season of testing is ending!  (Bold in original).

 I can think of a few heavenly bodies I’d like to see shifting around and this might lead to “enlargement” but I’m not sure that this is what is meant here.  So, some shifts just happen. The heavenlies can be considered stable until some self-declared prophet declares that an all-caps shift will occur. And so, the prophet can then duly note an improvement in God’s mood. Now, does God tell the prophet to declare the heavenlies get off their butts and shift in a way favourable to the body of Christ, or does the prophet actually tell God to stop being in such a bloody snitt and stick up for his crew of faithful? Is God not a heavenly?

It seems to me, however, this shifting heavenlies business is merely a rhetorical flourish to add some kind of metaphycal aspect to otherwise rather mundane affairs of the Church’s interactions with the rest of the world. It is used for legitimacy and to create a sense of drama and urgency. It is only one part of a whole vocabulary that imagines a supernatural world densly populated with various angels, demons, devils,  abstract forces and manifestations of God (i.e., “new glory that is unleased…” I will post on ‘glory’ later).  It suggests to me that the Christians who buy into this jargon and its ill-formed and ever-shifting cosmology are no less superstitious than the medieval folk who mixed Christian theology with beliefs in spirits, leprechauns, fairies, and magic of all sorts. It also strikes me as a way to access the same part of the human psyche that allows for belief in astrology: the part of us leads many to accept that events in the seemingly mundane world can be predicted in the pattern of the stars or other phenomena. Of course, one needs an astrologer, Magi, seer, or prophet to interpret it, and with that, comes power.